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CrazyKens Joke Pages |
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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out. While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son
sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt. are out of town, she invites him over. After an hour of
making out and grinding on the sofa, she says, "You know, you could go a little
further if you want."
JOSE & CARLOS
Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle in different areas of town.
Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars every day.
Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes, lives in a
mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you
bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".
Jose says, .."Look at your sign, what does it say"? Carlos sign reads,
"I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support" Jose says, "No wonder you
only get $8 - $9 dollars."
Carlos says..."So what does your sign say?" Jose shows Carlos his sign......
It reads, "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico.
Your House Your House As Seen By; Yourself... . . .
Your Buyer...
Your Lender...
Your Appraiser...
Your Tax Assessor...
Any Questions?
Jesse Jackson got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head. In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem. The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After an examination, the doctor mixed a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Jesse, and told him to drink it all. Jesse drank the concoction and replied, "God that tasted like bull shit!" The doctor replied, "It was, Jesse. You were a quart low."
NO PARENT LEFT BEHIND I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud These are real notes written by parents in a ALABAMA school district. Spellings have been left intact. 1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him. 2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot. 3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33. 4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating. 5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip. 6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part. 8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins. 9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side. 10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels. 11. Pleaseexcuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre, dyrea, direathe the shits. How ever you spell it. 12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak. 13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust. 14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault. 15 I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear. 16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday. 17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral. 18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines. 19. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well. 20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps. 21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover! . 22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor. 23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night. Now we know why parents are screaming for better education for our kids
Imus Will live forever
Because of the recent incident with Don Imus, Al Sharpton and others
are insisting that changes take place in our country...... Santa Claus
Will be banned as he utters the clearly racist and misogynistic
Exclamation, "Ho, ho, ho!"
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No public mourning of Hawaiian singer, Don Ho, who died recently.
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Pirate movies will be censored if they contain the phrase "Yo, ho,
Ho."
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John Wayne Movies with the reference "Wagons Ho" will be barred from
Public viewing.
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All references to the Seven Dwarfs will be punishable due to the song
"High-ho!" which is offensive to sex workers of enhanced stature.
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Any mention of farmers will cease due to their use of hoes, a racist,
Sexist farm implement.
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The Lone Ranger will be eliminated from popular culture because he uses
The patently offensive phrase, "Hi Ho Silver"
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All "Ho-downs" will be terminated as a racist affront to non-Southern
White Christians.
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All travel to Ho Chi Minh City will be banned.
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The phrases "Heave-Ho," "Gung Ho," and "Tally Ho!" will be
Expunged from the English language.
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If you are sleepy and say Ho Hum you can sleep in jail.
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Idaho will cease being a state
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Navajo Indians will start calling themselves Navas
Drinking is hazardous to your health Guy walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees it's filled with $10 bills. He guesses there must be thousands of dollars in it. He approaches the bartender, "What's up with the jar?" The bartender replies "Well, you pay $10 and if you pass three tests, you get the money in the jar" The man certainly isn't going to pass this up. "What are the three tests?" "Pay first, thats the rule." says the bartender. So the guy gives $10 to the barkeep who puts it in the jar "OK," the bartender says. "Here's what you need to do: First, You have to drink that entire gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing, all at once... and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained-up out back with a sore tooth. Remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third. There's a 90-year old woman upstairs who has never reached orgasm during intercourse. You've gotta make things right for her." The man is stunned. "I know I paid my $10, but I'm not an idiot, I won't do it! You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila, and then do those other things". "Your call," says the bartender, "but your money stays where it is." As the night drags on the man has a few drinks, then a few more. Finally he asks, "Wherez zat tequila?" He grabs the gallon with both hands and downs it with a giant slurp. Tears are streaming down both cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back where the pit bull is chained-up and soon the people inside the bar hear a huge, noisy, scuffle. They hear the pit bull barking, the guy screaming, the pit bull yelping and then silence. Just when they think the man is surely dead, he staggers back into the bar, with his shirt ripped and large bloody scratches all over his body. "Now," he says. "Where's the old woman with the sore tooth?"
Dear Friends Dear friends, in recent months (years) I have been sending jokes and/or funny photos to quite a few folks gracing my email list, assuming that everyone is sharing my kind of humor... Well sadly I had to discover that some people were taking it the wrong way, relating to me as a childish and superficial person. That's why I decided to step up to meet popular demands - from now on all I am going to forward are subjects relating to culture, nature and architectural themes, catering to the high cultural aspiration level of my fellow men. I want to start this off with an especially breathtaking view of the famous Pont Neuf of Toulouse. This is the oldest and most beautiful bridge in Toulouse. It was built between 1544 and 1632, and Louis XIV himself crossed it in 1659.
Plan Ahead
Regardless of one's age, you simply should always plan ahead
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2007
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence. |