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 HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."

 THIS IS GREAT...
THIS IS GREAT... After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women; she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart. Dear Mrs. Samsel, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

 #1 June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

#2 July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals

#3 July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

#4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."

#5 August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

 #6 August 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

#7 August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

 #8 August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

#9 September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

#10 September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

 #11 October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

#12 October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.

#13 October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

#14 October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!" And last, but not least

#15 October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Incident at Cabela's (A SPORTING GOODS STORE)

 A woman goes into Cabela's to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Cabela's associate is standing there wearing dark shades. She says, 'Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?'
 
He says, 'Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.'

 

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
 
He says, 'That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. Test line. It's a good all around combination; and it's on sale this week for only $20.00.'
 
She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!' As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,' he says.
 
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only
person around?

The man rings up the sale and says, 'That'll be $34.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, 'Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?'

He replies, 'Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Catfish Bait is $3.50.

 

 Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "That's because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said. "I just tell her this little poem that I made up. She loves it! It goes like this: Blond hair, blond hair, eyes so blue, I love waking up and making love to you!"
Tyrone said, "Man, you white guys are so damn sentimental. "
But he decided it wouldn't hurt to give it a try. He spent the rest of the day thinking of a poem for his wife. The next day Tyrone showed up to work just beat to hell; bruised eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works!!!
Robert asked, "Man, what happened to you?!"
Tyrone said, "I don't know, Man. I went home and tried your advice. I just told her a poem."
Well, what poem did you tell her?
Tyrone said: "Nappy head, nappy head, eyes like a frog. If I could roll your fat ass over, I'd hump you like a dog!"

 

 Voodoo Penis
A Florida businessman was getting ready to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, 'Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except ... the Voodoo Penis !' The husband said 'The what' ? The man repeated 'The Voodoo Penis' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo !' The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Voodoo Penis, door !' The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said 'Voodoo Penis, return to box !' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it. He took it home to his wife, And after the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Voodoo Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Voodoo Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off. So she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Voodoo Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me .' The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right ... Voodoo Penis, my ass!'

There was these three women

 There were three village women getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time. The first woman said, "I don't know bout y'all, but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I get on dat plane." "Why you gonna wear dem fo?" the other two asked? The first replied, "Cause, if dat plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first." The second woman said, "Well, I'm a-gonna wear me some floeesant orange panties." "Why you gonna wear dem?" the others asked. The second woman answered, "Cause if dis hare plane is goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey can see me first." The third woman says, "Well, I'm not gonna wear any panties........ "What? No panties?" the others asked in disbelief. The third woman says, "Dat's right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain't wearing any panties, cause if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look for da black box first."

 Black and Widow
Maria had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. Finally, Maria said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, 'Mum! I have someone for you to meet.' Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend at Surfers Paradise. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black, lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, 'Why the black panties?' She replied: 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.' He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same-she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: 'What's with the black condom?' He replied, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences!