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Jokes Page 4 |
CrazyKens Joke Pages |
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IDIOT SIGHTINGS
IDIOT SIGHTING : Hubby and I had to have the garage door repaired. The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a "large" enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, "Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower." I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, "NO, it's not. Four is larger than two." We haven't used Sears repair since.
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IDIOT SIGHTING : I live in a semi rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many
deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman , KS
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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep... From Kansas City!
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IDIOT SIGHTING : I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?" To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Alabama
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IDIOT SIGHTING : The stoplight on the corner buzzes when its safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita , KS
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IDIOT SIGHTING : At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker: She was leaving the company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun. We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a group at Texas Instruments.
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IDIOT SIGHTING : I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself, and for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not turn on. A deputy with the Dallas Sheriffs office no less.
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IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealers shop to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the technician, "Its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi ! ____________________________________________________________
STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, they REPRODUCE!!!!!!!!!!!
How do these people survive?
Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied. "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine . The mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!
Bath Tub Test
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how
do you
determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the
bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the
bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you
want a bed near the window?"
*RESTROOM SIGNS*
*Now get a crayon and get busy*
Friends don't let friends take home ugly men
Women's restroom Starboard, Dewey Beach,
DE Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library,
Duke University, Durham, NC
If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's all get wasted together and have the time of our lives.
Armand's Pizza, Washington, DC
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
Men's Room Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego everyone leaves hungry.
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, AZ
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg, AZ
Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both GET MARRIED!
Women's restroom The Filling Station, Bozeman, MT
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Revolution Books New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!
Men's restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC Express Lane:
Five beers or less Sign over one of the urinals Ed Debevic's, Phoenix, AZ You're too good for him.
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA No wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's, Beverly Hills ,CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it Women's restroom Dick's Last Resort, Dallas, TX
*AND EVEN MORE PEARLS OF WISDOM BELOW:*
*ROMANCE MATHEMATICS*
Smart man + smart woman = romance Smart man + dumb woman = affair Dumb man + smart woman = marriage Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
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*OFFICE ARITHMETIC*
Smart boss + smart employee = profit Smart boss + dumb employee = production Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion Dumb boss + dumb employee =
overtime
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*SHOPPING MATH*
A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.
A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need
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*GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS*
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
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*HAPPINESS*
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
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*LONGEVITY*
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
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*PROPENSITY TO CHANGE*
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
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*DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE*
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
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*HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED*
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Here I sit with my ass a flexen
Giving birth to another Mexican
Mens restroom, Lowes 19th ave & Baseline Phoenix, Arizona
To be written this week, LOL
A few good ones from Scratch
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee? The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over? Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex? Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control? Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband? 45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins? They can't stand criticism
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is
still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that
makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex? Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW? A porcupine has the pricks on the
outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ? Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blonde baby?
They named him "Sum
Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech
impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast? They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a
description of the animal on the front of the cage along with "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word? Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern
fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna
believe this shit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China? No one's tall enough to go on the good rides.
There was an old country sheriff who always said, "It could
have been worse." No matter what happened, the old
sheriff always had the same answer: "It could have been
worse."
One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered
an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked
in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman
in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.
When they went to the living room, they found the body of
a man with a gun at his side.
"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was
a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and
found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them
both. Then he shot himself."
"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder
and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here
he's going to say 'it could have been worse."
"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people
in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It
couldn't be worse. You're on."
About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He
walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He
then walked into the living room and saw the man on the
floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the
sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder
and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in
bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he
shot himself."
After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his
deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said,
"it could have been worse."
The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted,
"Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three
people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead.
It couldn't have been worse?!?"
"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there
on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would
be me in there in that bed!"
Grandpa
There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over. "What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.
"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine, so I put it back!"
GHETTO SPELLIN' Words
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.........
This is Leroy's homework
assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the hotel everybody.
2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.
3. Rectum - I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.
4 . Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.
5. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.
6. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "Man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."
7. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.
8. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "How much?" she say "fortify."!
Furthering your education with Today's Ebonics word....Today's word is: " OMELETTE "Let us use it in a sentence. "I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
Cowboys v Illegals
Three strangers at the Great Falls bus station are awaiting their bus.
One is a Native American on his way to Helena for a statewide Indian Pow-Wow.
Another a ranch hand on his way to Billings Montana for a stock show.
The third passenger is a illegal alien , newly arrived, and on his way to Idaho to take
someone's job.
To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon the westerners learn that the illegal is here only to take someone's job and commit crime and believes his people are justified in their invasion.
The conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside blows and blows and the old windsock flaps but no bus comes.
Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly he speaks:" Once, my people were many, now we are few."
The illegal alien raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"
The Cowboy shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson Cowboy Hat says, "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Illegals yet boy."
Ken
www.crazykens.com
Lesbians
1. What do you call a pantry full of lesbians?
A licker cabinet.
2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian?
A Klondyke.
3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns?
Militia Etheridge.
4. Why cant lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they cant eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face.
5. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?
Fur Traders.
6. What is a lesbian dinosaur called?
A Lickalotapuss.
7. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung.
8. Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres drowned?
She was found face down in Ricki Lake .
9. How can you tell youre in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesnt have balls.
10. What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes.
11. Whats the definition of confusion?
Twenty blind lesbians in a fish market.
12. Whats the difference between a Ritz cracker and a lesbian?
Ones a snack cracker, the others a crack snacker
13. What do you call 50 lesbians and 50 state workers?
100 people that dont do dick.
True and To The Point
I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.
The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America.
Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss
White America; and see what happens... Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.
Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.
I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason; that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts!
ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?
I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.
I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.
When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not
racial profiling; it is the Law of Probability.
I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!
My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.
I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you threaten them after they tell you to stop.
If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.
I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.
We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that
decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.
I don't hate the rich I don't pity the poor.
I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and telelevision. That doesn't stop you from watching them.
I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.
It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And,
please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!
I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa ; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe . I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.
And if you don't like my point of view, tough...
The Fart
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting
loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the
smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she
would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told
her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a
doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years
went by and he continued to blast them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she
was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked
at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and
all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and
went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the
bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waist band of his underpants and emptied
the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband
waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and
the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could
hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes.
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him
what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." All these years you
have warned me and I didn't listen to you." What do you mean?' asked his wife.
Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and
today it finally happened. But, by the grace of God, some Vaseline, nd two
fingers, I think I got most of them back in. :)
Why do Mexicans steal cabbage patch dolls? For their birth certificates
Nudist Colony
Mexico Drops Out Of 2008 Summer Olympics
President Felipe Calderon of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the Beijing Summer Olympics.
He stated: 'Casi cada uno que puede funcionar, saltar, o nadar ya ha salidodel pais.'
Translation: 'Pretty much everyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.'
How Old is Grandpa??? The Hoover Dam was built to last 2,000 years. Its concrete will not be fully cured for another 500 years. This is kinda long and has been around before but since I dont know Jack Schitt about anything I thought Id re include it today. The Human Body Redneck American | ||